Short humour plays

These haven't been worked on. I just thought you would appreciate the laugh.

Murder in the library

In a library a young man peers around a shelf to look at his wife who is standing over a prone body lying on a table.

Young man: Honey?

Wife: One moment dear, just uh…putting some books back.

Young man: (Approaching his wife) No you’re not, I can see you. What are you doing to that man?

The wife spins around to face him and as she does so the body slides off the table to crash to the floor.

Young man: Okay, scratch that. What have you done to him?

Wife: Spring cleaning. The library needed a good clean. I’m amazed how much dirt has got in.

Young man: Honey, when you say spring cleaning….you mean murder don’t you?

The wife bites her lip but look defiantly at her husband. Husband sighs and drops the books that he is holding.

Young man: Oh for Tolkien’s sake! Honey, as much as I love you and what you do….no murdering people in our library! What about the mess?

Wife: Oh sweetheart, I’m careful I promise. And he was a paedophile.

Young man: So why didn’t you follow him after work and torture him? The library is gonna be closing in a minute.

The wife smiles seductively and approaches him, wrapping her arms around her husband’s shoulders and pulling him close.

Wife: Oh darling, for such a sweet little bookworm you’re so full of naughty ideas. I was going to do that, but I thought to myself, well, why not kill him where he feels happiest, when he’s not molesting children. Why not kill him in his precious library, with his favourite weapon. The seemingly harmless (she reaches into her husbands shirt pocket and begins to pull out a pen), pen.

Young man: A pen. You killed him with a pen! Seriously?! Why didn’t you smash his skill in with a hard back book while your at it. There’s plenty here that will do the job!

Wife: Darling you’re not upset are you? I was trying to make things easy for us. All I needed was to plunge the pen in through his eyeball and into his brain and done. No mess, no fuss, just death.

Young man: But a pen! Why not kill him with a children’s toy?

Wife: And how was I supposed to tempt him into the children’s section at this hour?

Young man: Okay good point.

The humour of frenemies

Vigilante: Well this is awkward.

Cop: Dude what the hell? I leave for five minutes and you start beating people up and dumping them in this forest. What the hell is it with you and forests anyway? Is this is cry for help?

Vigilante: First of all, language! Second no. Third none of your business. Now can you please go away and until this criminal has learnt his lesson.

Cop: No! I’m arresting you both on charges of assault and whatever it is you’ve done. He points to the criminal who look’s offended.

Criminal: I haven’t assaulted anyone!

Vigilante growls

Criminal: Except for two little old ladies who most certainly did not deserve it.

Vigilante: See. My lessons are working.

Cop: And jail works just as well. Now put your hands behind your back, the both of you.

Vigilante (Turning around and placing his hands behind his back).Actually did you know that one in twelve criminals re-offend just eighteen days after being let out of prison? So prison, really doesn’t work so well as you dunderhead cops like to think it does.

Cop: (Swiping the vigilante around the head after handcuffing him) Watch who your calling airhead mister! Where did you read about that anyway?

Vigilante: In the Telegraph. Did you also know that the majority of low life criminals lack an education?

Cop: (While handcuffing the criminal) So that’s why your beating up people huh? Maybe you should apply for education while you’re in prison.

Vigilante: Hey I’m a university graduate! I got a 1st in drama.

Cop: Well that explains a lot.

Published 20th November 2017